Deep Emotions, Fear and Escape.

So I came across these cute little bunnies on FB. Before I started studying art I used to make things, toys mostly, like these, using vintage fabrics which I’ve been collecting for over 20 years. This is one of mine;

Fabric Doll

Then a friend reminded me of this:

Marina Abramovich – The Artist is Present.

This is one of the most powerful pieces of art I have ever seen, it moves me to tears. The intense emotions they are feeling are so evident through their body language. I avoid intense emotion, I alter my behaviour to avoid it. It struck me how difficult it must have been for Abramovich to compose herself for the next participant after Ulay left. The transition from one situation to another without allowing what has passed to effect the present and future. I wouldn’t have been able to do that, I would have wanted to run and hide and cry and that emotion would have stayed with me all day. I often sleep to avoid facing such strong feelings which is much better than some responses I’ve had in the past but not quite where I need to be which is to be able to feel the emotions and learn that they won’t kill me.

 March 14–May 31, 2010 THE MUSEUM OF MODERN ART New York
March 14–May 31, 2010 THE MUSEUM OF MODERN ART
New York

“I absolutely didn’t expect he’d come to sit. The moment he sat – and everyone got very sentimental about it, because they were projecting their own relationships on to us – but it was so incredibly difficult. It was the only time I broke the rules.”

What is her compulsion to move towards, rather than away from the things that most terrify her?

“From a very early time, I understood that I only learn from things I don’t like. If you do things you like, you just do the same shit. You always fall in love with the wrong guy. Because there’s no change. It’s so easy to do things you like. But then, the thing is, when you’re afraid of something, face it, go for it. You become a better human being.”

Anyway, back to the toys. Separation from my parents and siblings before the age of 1, being cared for by various people in different places before the age of 3, and eventually spending 8 years, most of my childhood , in a children’s home are what have caused my BPD , fear of rejection, inability to sustain healthy relationships and over attachment to inanimate objects. Having to share your home and care givers with lots of other children mean that the only thing that is actually yours are your possessions. I was very attached and over possessive of my toys from a very early age.

I still collect and make toys now. I think toys will feature heavily in this blog.


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